Motherhood is the single most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I don’t think it could get better. But y’all, in a moment of vulnerability and honesty, this is how I feel today: some days are dark — existentially dark — full of ennui and irrational dread. Knowing the dark moments are fleeting, I swallow as deep as possible to try not to miss one moment of discovery and sweetness in my life and without becoming a cloud over the joy. I worry about being a strong enough example, a good woman, a good human. I fret constantly about being a provider financially (don’t get me started on emotional, spiritual, and passive support worries). I worry that my past is too broken for my future to recover personally and how that will affect my brood keeps me up at night. I hope that I can inspire and encourage my girl to be strong and brave by being inspired and strong and brave myself, but on dark days, I just hope the dread passes quickly, the inspiration strikes clearly, and that I find the ability to fake it if I fail, all while pouring with a heavy hand.
A brighter tomorrow, friends.